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| My mom-beginnings |
I have begun a new journey this week. Well, my mom and I have taken a new route on an old journey, one we've been on for the past 12 years. This journey could be named Alzheimer's and hopefully our destination is heaven. I would prefer we not reach our destination at the same time, I'm willing to allow her to go ahead of me and get things set up, but for part of this journey we must travel together. Truthfully, I feel honored to be her traveling companion. She has been the greatest influence in my life, taught me everything I needed to know to be the person I am and given me the strength to conquer every obstacle. My deep faith in God was nourished by her example. She taught me to be kind to strangers, to believe I could do anything, to laugh at myself, and to never stop learning. She encouraged me to become a nurse when it was the last thing I thought I could do and that simple act alone has given me over 30 years of profound joy working in a field I love.
Of course, I could write forever and never run out of reasons to be thankful for my Mother. And truthfully, words would fall short in describing how precious she is to me. She wasn't perfect. I've often said the irony of her disease is that, when she was younger, she could carry a grudge. For a woman who would never forget a transgression, it seemed ironic that she became a woman who would eventually forget everything! Still, as the end approaches, I chose to remember the strong woman that was my mother..I miss her even as I gaze upon her this day.
As for the new leg of this journey, it started last week with a seizure. My mom's condition, which has been a non-stop progression in a downhill direction, seemed to deteriorate yet again. Hospice had been recommended to me almost two years ago, but it didn't seem appropriate. Last week, after her seizure, it felt like it was time to make the call. It was a hard decision to make. It felt like giving up. It felt like I was admitting defeat. Of course intellectually I knew that wasn't the case, but my heart and head often are not occupying the same space! I have worked with Hospice many years in the hospital and I knew that I wanted them to come in and help me care for my mom in the end. But calling them meant I was confessing that the end was in sight. And even though I have never wanted to prolong my mom's life for a minute more than God plans, even though I lost my mom years ago to Alzheimer's, even though I pray every day that God takes her peacefully in her sleep, the daughter is not ready to say goodbye to her mother. And I've realized I will never really be ready. So I am thankful that Hospice has stepped in to give me the support I need at this time in our journey. And I hope that I can journal in this blog these final miles. Perhaps it will help someone else. But mostly I'm doing this for selfish reasons, to honor a relationship that has meant everything to me and to work through the grief that seems ever present on the edges of my heart.
