I had an important discussion with my daughter today...and I hope she was listening. We were talking about my mom and she asked me if, knowing what I know now, would I still have brought her into our home. I sensed, perhaps wrongly, that she was not just talking about my mom, but also wondering about her role as the daughter, how should she treat her own mom and dad as they age. This is a concept that many people must grapple with and I think it is crucial to understand that every situation is different. I worry that people watch what I have done and believe it is the standard, that everyone should bring their parents into their home when the time comes. I don't think this is true. I am blessed with a caregiver personality. It is why I love being a nurse. I have the skill set and the temperament to care for my mom. I have the family support needed to pull this off. Not everyone does, and that's OK. No one should feel that they are obligated to provide 24/7 care for anyone unless they also are blessed (or cursed !) with that caregiver disposition. It really is OK to help mom or dad find an assisted living situation if that is appropriate. Everyone will suffer if you assume a care giving role without the proper disposition. And no one should feel guilty. The important thing is to be involved, to make sure the living situation is safe and compassionate, to stop by and visit. I tell my kids all the time that I want them to find me a nice nursing home, that I don't want to live with them. Its my way of continuing to take care of them, I guess. Of course I hope to live many years and be a spry and active old broad. We all hope for the best. And if I see myself declining, I hope I can make my own decision to seek outside assistance and make those plans for myself so as not to burden my kids. So, once again to my kids - find me a nice nursing home (unless I find it first). And yes, knowing what I know now, I would still take my mom in, wouldn't have it any other way. But that's just me!
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